We live in a world that idolises wealth and celebrity, often irrespective of the character or values held by those individuals. With these interviews I want to profile people who I think are worthy of our admiration – wonderful people, with good values, who through their actions, big and small, make the world, and the lives of the people they meet, better.
Anyone who has met Mark Harte will understand why he fits that description. A warm, kind person, Mark’s openness and honesty gives others permission to be just as they are. He listens patiently and without judgement, creating a space that few of us give even to ourselves. Mark’s kindness towards others has no doubt been reinforced by his own experience of personal loss. In our conversation, he speaks of the death of his sister Michaela in 2011, at the age of 27.
Marie-Therese: One of the things I most admire about you is that you always seem to see the good in people. I’m interested in what you think brings out the best in people?
Mark: The first thing that comes to mind is that people have to be themselves in life. That’s all I ever try to do. Part of that is to accept that we are human and that we all have faults and imperfections. If we accept that other people have faults and failings the same as we do, it allows us all to be a bit more real. Of course, we’d all love people to celebrate our successes or traits we think are good, but I’m a firm believer that if it looks perfect, it’s not real.
Accepting difference is so important. My life experience is different from yours and it’s not necessarily that mine is right and yours is wrong, or vice versa. We all have a vision of what we would like the world to look like, which for the most part is created by the environment in which we grew up. If you’re lucky, that was a protective, supportive environment. You might think everyone else’s experience was the same as yours, but as you get older you realise that’s not the case, some people’s experience was better and some worse. You realise that your understanding of the world is a product of your environment.
That’s why it’s so important to allow space and time for everyone and to appreciate uniqueness in people. I love uniqueness in people. I find it interesting and challenging and I think it’s good when your own view is challenged. You have the opportunity to react in one of two ways. You can say “no that’s wrong” or you can hold a light to it and say “is that a new learning to me, is that something I want to take with me, because I’ve never heard that perspective before?” You can either accept or reject. There is some stuff in life that you just reject but other stuff you pick up along the way – and you’re the better for it.
Giving people a safe space to share their perspective is important too. If I meet someone who has a different world view or life experience, I will always allow them two things – silence and space. Sometimes the less you say the better, allowing people to talk if they want to talk. So just be there, but really be there, be present and allow them room to express themselves. Never judge. Allow people to be people. If the roles were reversed and you had something you wanted to share, something that was deeply personal to you or deeply affecting you, I think all you’d want is that the person you’re trusting to hear this would be receptive but not judgemental.
That said, I’ve always found that my gut doesn’t lie about people. That might not be the same for others, necessarily, but I know very quickly if I’ll connect with someone. Sometimes you’ll fight that for whatever reason, but your gut doesn’t lie, and it may be the case that they might just be wrong for you or they might be the wrong example for what you need in your life.
Marie-Therese: The openness to other people’s perspective is so basic, but it’s so powerful. When there are so many beliefs in the world, I always find it crazy that anyone would think that their belief is the only right one.
I also really like what you say about trusting your gut because I think we can all be swayed by “should” — I should like this person or I should do that thing, and yet there is an instinct there that can be jumping up and down saying no, and I think we should learn to listen to that instinct.
What do you think our weaknesses are?
Mark: I think people’s weakness are unique. I might struggle with something that someone else would knock out of the park and vice versa. I don’t know if I’m drawn to the word weakness though. I think it’s implying something is wrong. I like the idea of vulnerability. Vulnerability for me is the raw, here I am, warts and all.
There are some people you listen to and you might assume I’m not as good as them, whether it be in terms of intelligence, beauty or personality, but I’ve never yet encountered anyone that if they’re a ten in one area of their life, they’re not a two in another area. And they might do well to mask it or hide it but no matter what it’s still there.
I think focusing on your strengths is a good thing but I also think that acknowledging your weakness is important. And from there, you can focus on getting them to a point that you’re happy with. For example, if there’s an area that you struggle with for whatever reason, expecting to be a ten might be overly ambitious and will probably lead to failure. I think the first thing is to accept that they are a weakness and that you can’t just go from a two to a ten, you’ve got to work at it, you’ve got to learn from others, improve internally and then set yourself a realistic target – a ten might be too ambitious but a six would be perfectly acceptable. So that’s what I think in terms of weakness. We all have our strengths – maximise those, and then build weaknesses to be positives as opposed to areas that you see as letting yourself down in, or an area that you’re not functioning in at all.
Marie-Therese: It’s interesting, one of the first things you said about what brings out the best in us was around accepting ourselves and accepting other people, and then in terms of our challenges you mention the need to accept that we are flawed and that we have weaknesses. It seems that when we accept our weaknesses, we can relate to them in a healthier way.
Have you always had a clear vision for what you want in your life, or do you have a principle that defines how you try and live your life?
Mark: I’ve always done certain things at certain times in my life that just feel right, and I’ve always had the guts to say, “I feel like a change, I’m going to change”. I suppose you could say that I’m fixed and fluid. When I am doing something that feels right, I will commit to it and I am fixed in that sense. But I am fluid in that I don’t believe in the idea that we have a certain span of our working life and if that’s what you’ve done then you have to just keep doing it. For me, if I get a feel for something, or something catches my eye, I’ll take a wee look and see if that fits, and then go for it. I’m open to change and I’m open to opportunity.
Marie-Therese: It requires guts to take those opportunities when they come up. Is that something you intentionally try to cultivate or is that something that is part of your nature?
Mark: I would say the awareness of liking change is part of my nature, liking spontaneity is part of my nature. But I think that decisiveness, and decision-making, isn’t natural to me. A few years ago, due to loss and grief, I made a conscious decision that if I felt action was required, then that was what was going to happen.
So, the idea of sticking with something just because you’ve been in it a long time, whether it be a job or a relationship, I don’t do that anymore. Particularly in terms of people, I’ve gone from a grey “everybody is grand” to a very much “these people are good for me, these people are not good for me, and I am spending as much time with these people as I can”. I’ll still be polite as I can to everybody, but if time is limited, which I now know it is, here’s want I want to do or who I want to spend my time with.
So, to answer your question, I’ve always had the liking to change, but the conviction to act, disappointingly for me, came out of the blue and was really emphasised and hardened when my notion of life being forever was suddenly changed through personal tragedy. I realised, in quiet a sudden and painful way, that life can be gone before you know it, and from that point on I’ve had absolute laser clarity on who’s good for me and what’s good for me and going with that.
Marie-Therese: I think anyone who has experienced those moments — when you realise that you’re not going to live forever or that you might not even live past tomorrow — knows that feeling. Those times definitely do shake you into thinking “I want to make the most of this”.
I suppose that brings me on to my next question. I know you’ve experienced huge personal loss and periods of personal struggle. How do you deal with the really hard times?
Mark: I think that’s an ongoing thing, an everyday thing, and some days are better than others. When I came across the phrase “this too shall pass”, I remember thinking “um I don’t know, I don’t know about this.” In reality, it’s not that anything passed or it becomes easier, it just becomes your new normal, and once you get to that point, after the rawness of the shock and the sharpest of the days and months and years or grief, I suppose it just becomes a part of who you are.
And then, at some point, you have a choice in what you do and how you do it. For me that choice was very simple – if the shoe was on the other foot, if I were the one who was gone and Michaela was still here, what type of life would I want her to have? And the simple answer is, the best life she could. It will never be without pain, because of what has happened, but the best life given the circumstances. We’ve already talked about the things you can change and the things you can’t. The one thing I’d like to change, I can’t change. But I have to keep going. The alternative is to give up and curl up in a ball but I’ve never been that type of person. I’ve always been a fighter, never in a loud way, kind of just a quiet way. It’s far from easy. I’ve had to try and find logic in a totally illogical occurrence. Ultimately, the only logic I can use is, would you rather have no pain and no grief and never had a sister, or would you rather have had her for the years that you did and go through it? And every time I ask myself that question, the answer is the same and it just cuts through any doubts. I know we were blessed for the time we had with her. Some people are never blessed in that way. So, we have to just accept what we have to accept and celebrate what we experienced and draw the best out of the hand that we have been given. Ultimately that’s what I focus on in the crappy times.
Marie-Therese: I really like that measure. Would you give up the love and the goodness, not to have the pain.
Mark: Yeah, and there’s only ever one answer, it’s crystal clear.
Marie-Therese: A slightly different question for you then. Do you believe we have a responsibility beyond ourselves? To the community, or to the world more broadly?
Mark: I absolutely do. I think it starts at home, it starts even before then, with yourself. The good you can do in the world and in your community and with the people you meet, might be very small but you’ll never know the ripple effect of that and I think if you show up and you’re authentic and you’re genuine, then you’re good for people and for yourself. Personally, all I want, is that for people I engage with to go away thinking, “I’m better because of that”, even in a tiny way. And if enough of those connections fire, then inevitably the knock-on effect is that your relationships are better, your community is better – whatever level you take that to, will be better because of that.
Marie-Therese: Anything else you’d like to add?
Mark: One of the things that comes to mind, in terms of the noise that we’re surrounded by in the world, is the benefit to being comfortable on your own, in your own company. I love being on my own and I think it’s a good thing to try and achieve, minus a phone and even minus company, to just experience whatever you’re doing, music, nature whatever. For me, you can be on your own but not alone, if you know what I mean? And if you’re comfortable in your own skin and you don’t need a lot of external stimulation or reassurance, that’s a powerful thing.
Mark Harte is a qualified life coach. Previously a secondary school teacher, he is currently the Irish Language Officer for Queen’s University Belfast. An avid Gaelic football player, supporter and manager, he is currently manager of the Madden Senior Football team in Armagh. He lives in Tyrone with his wife, son and two daughters.
